If someone tried this on me, I'd start screaming. And not with pleasure

When I was a young woman, girl even, sex was about cuddles, kisses and orgasms. In pretty much that order. If you and your partner listened to each other and discovered what worked for both of you, that truly was The Joy of Sex.

Alex Comfort's work became a bestseller in 1972, which was excellent timing for me and for hundreds of thousands of others. It had sweet drawings, was extremely plain-spoken and didn't romanticise sex. It also did not offer advice which would prove to be risky to any of the participants. Well, not unless you were a bloody idiot. Also, some excellent advice: don't leave anyone tied up for more than half an hour. And this: nothing may ever be tied round the front of anyone's neck, however loosely, and even if they ask for it.

Thank you for asking. It's not that I have an excellent memory. This is from my 1974 edition which I still have, accompanied by More Joy. A little worn now but always a source of (mostly) good information.

News this week that a truckload of young people are looking for ways to do whatever takes their fancy. Yep, more than half of Australian young people are using strangulation during sex. Apparently it's also called "erotic asphyxiation" because the idea of not being able to breathe is so titillating. Help. Me.

Researchers at the Universities of Melbourne and Queensland surveyed nearly 5000 people between 18 and 35 and discovered 57 per cent reported being strangled by a partner during sex. And half said they had strangled their partner during sex.

Look, I'm not one to shun marginalised groups (though 50 odd per cent doesn't seem that marginal to me). But what the hell are you thinking?

If someone tried that on me, I'd start screaming. And not with pleasure.

The research reveals that pornography, memes, magazine articles, drive increased awareness. That increased awareness leads to a willingness to engage in strangulation. And, as well, young people believe it is a safe practice.

Because sure, someone with two hands around your neck cutting off your breathing sounds so safe. But let me tell you this in case you never read the paper: strangulation in the course of erotic asphyxiation is the leading cause of death in BDSM play (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism) and the dangers of engaging in strangulation are well-established in scientific and medical research. Research suggests the dangers are unlikely to be known or appreciated by the general population more broadly. Clearly.

And Heather Douglas, a professor of law at the University of Melbourne, says that many of the participants in this kind of activity just don't understand it might sometimes be illegal in their state and territory (you might be consenting to strangulation but you can't consent to serious harm). They don't understand it can lead to brain damage, miscarriage or even death. They don't get it can have the same kind of creeping, cumulative damaging effects on the brain as repeated concussions on footy players. There are also, says Douglas, blurred lines between what happens in consensual intercourse and what then makes its way into partner violence. Consent is not continuous - each and every episode needs a very big yes.

Of course, she's reluctant to reveal exactly what she says to her own kids. But you can bet she's explaining, this is bloody dangerous.

Talking to your kids about this is even more excruciating than talking about the vitality of orgasm. I have one old friend who sat down her adult daughter and her adult daughter's partner to talk about this research. Braver than me, that's for sure. The bloke said, straight up: "I do not strangle your daughter." Worth the embarrassment though, am I right?

Maree Crabbe, director of consent campaign It's Time We Talked, was, like Douglas, reluctant to discuss what she tells her own kids (having written about my own children for years, I know exactly why). But it would be something along the lines of necks and heads are precious and important. Keep them safe.

In her work over years, she's hearing from young people who talk about their relationships. And what she has learned is this - strangulation is often not really about pleasure - or not about the pleasure of the person being strangled. It's about power and the cultural normalisation of a practice that's shockingly unsafe. Want pleasure? I get that. Let's all start teaching about the clitoris, a part of the body which exists only for pleasure. Lucky blokes. It's all so simple for them.

I'm always horrified by how little men know about how women's bodies work. Again, US research says respondents could answer only three correctly of five questions on clitoral knowledge and that leads to an "orgasm gap". Women still have substantially fewer orgasms than men.

Let's get to the nuts and bolts of this, shall we? If we are looking to improve the sexual experience, then it should be for all participants. And I think some of us might need to go back to basics - or what some describe as vanilla - before we start looking for extras which can harm.

Sure, I understand that the young people think vanilla sex is utterly boring and we should all be edgy, transgressive. Me, I'd prefer to still be experiencing orgasmic sex in my eighties. US research from 2022 tells us common responses to being choked were experiencing pleasurable sensations/euphoria or a head rush - but you can get that from an orgasm anyway so why the hell would you risk your life. Erotic asphyxiation is not a hill - nor even a peak - I'd be prepared to die on.